Wednesday, June 20, 2012

'My Kurt Vonnegut Experiment'

The solution for my problem – which I clearly cannot resolve within my own skill set – is a professional man that could shine a flashlight in the eyes of Truth and make it swear to things it’s never done. A man that could take a Lie out for a cocktail and convince it to come clean. Luckily, there is a man of this exact sort of nature in the city: defense lawyer Barthes ‘Joker’ Barracks.  To call him ‘Joker’ is a joke in itself. It’s one of those ironic names we give a man. Like calling a giant man ‘Tiny’ or a slim man ‘Fatso’. Though there are records upon records of Joker’s cases, his triumphs and his one failure, many photographs of him at snooty social gatherings - a celebrity in the beady eyes of such a nowhere city - not one witness could ever testify to seeing Joker smile. His lifestyle is not about humour. It’s about erasing Truth and molding a sort of truth, not a bad living for a man with no feelings.   

The only other man as well-known and respected in all the city happens to be Joker’s older brother: criminal prosecutor Barley Barracks. He’s known by no other name. In whispers you’ll hear that one man tried to issue a nickname to Mr. Barracks and he’s now sentenced to a life of walking with a slight limp. Mr. Barracks is the sort of man that would have you thrown in jail for cutting him off in traffic and if there was no law against it, he’d pull all the strings available to create one. He has three devilishly lovely daughters - triplets – named Isa, B, and Ella. You see, Barley Barracks’ heart can carry only enough love for one daughter and he only loves one name. When the former Mrs. Isabella Barracks revealed that his heart would have to triple in size, he simply would not budge. Mr. Barracks carries a red notebook in his left pocket and makes a point to note anyone who’s wronged him in even the slightest way. Rumor has it that his life’s goal is to have every name avenged somehow and some even hint that there are no limits to his revenge. Last I heard, there were still a few open names. 

Of course, the Barracks brothers have faced each other in court, only once however.  Such dirty games are played when family mixes with law and neither of these undefeated Barracks brothers would ever accept a blemish on their record.  In whispers, some gossipers will tell you that the night before the first day of the murder trial – while Joker was neck high in case proposals at work - Mr. Barracks made a visit to his brother’s wife. He had no trouble seducing her in the very bed Joker drools in. In those delirious post-orgasm moments, when a man is at his worst and a woman sees the best, she divulged any little piece of information her husband’s brother inquired. She included all of the Joker’s courtroom tricks: his arguments, his evidence, the Truths he’d dressed as Lies and Lies he’d stripped down to Truths. It so happens that Joker did lose his trial - the only black mark on his shining professional record - but it wasn’t due to his brother’s dirty tricks. It was due to the fact that, in this particular case, there was absolutely no hiding the fact that the accused was guilty. The accused was sleeping with the very axe he used to kill his wife when apprehended by the police, the whispers say. 

However, if the murder trial came down to trickery alone, many believe that Joker would have won. What you’ll hear anonymous whispers say, but you’ll never hear Joker brag about, is that he knew firsthand how easily seduced his dear idiot wife was. That he never married her for her wonderful secret keeping abilities, but just simply for the fact that she had managed to make him laugh, once. Joker knew that at any moment a rival lawyer could enter his home and enter his wife and he would never allow for such a breach in professionalism. So Joker cooked up a whole bunch of Lies that smelled like Truths, that tasted like arguments and evidence. Fed her falsities that she would inevitably share with these rivals. Joker knew that if any man’s key should enter his wife’s lock, it was only fool’s gold they’d find. And it worked. 

The case is known now as Mr. Barracks’ most embarrassing moment. He had focused so much on the entirely bogus information his brother’s wife gave him he forgot stick to his own strengths and present solid arguments. He did win though. The whispers say the accused took pictures of his decapitated wife and was sleeping with those, too. The reason why I’m interested in the younger, defeated Barracks is simply due to the fact that I’m on his side of the law. I’m on the side that needs defending. The side that needs Lies barfed up like Truths and Truths stuffed down the throat of Lies. I need a man coming off his first loss in the courtroom and who in turn needs a sure bet. I chose Barthes ‘Joker’ Barracks because no one else could ever prove that I am actually innocent.


Note: I'm pretty well versed in copyright laws, so I'd appreciate it if nobody tried to steal this story. I have definitive proof that I wrote it. If you share or re-post it, please give credit to Chessterr Hollowberry. Thanks!

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