Monday, October 22, 2012

Mitch Hedberg's 'Mitch All Together': 10 Jokes

Mitch Hedberg was a one of a kind comedian. Sure, observational and one-liner comedians aren't very rare these days, but I've never seen another comic with anything close to the peculiar wit and comedic charm that Hedberg had. Unfortunately, bad drugs killed him back in 2005, but he left behind a lot of material to laugh at and appreciate. A major aspect of Mitch's comedy comes with his pacing and delivery, so I definitely recommend listening to his albums or watching his DVDs. But, for the purposes of this post, I've chosen 10 jokes from his Mitch All Together album that are hilarious no matter what. If you like Mitch Hedberg's approach to comedy, check out Steven Wright and Stewart Francis.

And now, here are 10 jokes from Mitch All Together, have fun laughing at this ridiculous world we live in. You died too soon, Mitch!

'I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, Dude, you have to wait.'

'I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.'

'My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.'

'Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.'

'Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going, Ahhh fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!'

'An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'

'I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.'

'I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances. Seems like the easiest job ever. You know, refrigerator, toaster, just say what the thing does and then you add 'er'. Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. What's this do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a Fresher. I'm going on break.'

'I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said, Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at 10 a.m. and say, Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!'

'I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying, No. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit.'

All these quotes were written and performed by Mitch Hedberg and featured on his Mitch All Together album, 2003.

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